A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks the beer and asks the bartender: "What do I owe you?"

The bartender answers: "For you, no charge."

In vino de veritas

“It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety.”

- Confessions of an English Opium Eater by Thomas de Quincy, 1856.

Ascension

The blunt edge of the axe came swinging right at me

I dodged and I rolled but still it connected

Square on the side of my head, hard it came.

I remember the ground giving way below my feet

And falling without end, faster until I hit the street

I remember thinking everything was OK

I'd pick myself up and make him feel sorry

But soon I realised I could see nothing but black.

I panicked and I felt fear rising up in my chest

I blinked but felt nothing; I couldn't feel my tongue

I tried moving my fingers but they refused to oblige

And I knew I'd be dead soon because I didn't feel the snow

Get colder and colder as the night wore on.

Then I slept. For a night and a day and a night

When I awoke, I was in heaven

Around me was white, warm and quiet

I knew I was dead because I felt no anger

No regrets; no ill will at the person who'd caused this.

I felt a touch, warm and soft

I opened my eyes to an angel's face

She was dressed all in white; a halo around her head

With soft eyes and hair that flowed like water

She smiled and asked how it was that I felt

I nodded and smiled and felt very dumb

She said I was lucky and I couldn't agree more

With all my sins I surely belonged in hell.

She said it was OK, that the Almighty forgave all

All one needed to do was to forgive all too.

I told her she was the most beautiful angel I'd seen

She blushed and grew quiet and then floated away

I tried to get up and follow but I couldn't move a muscle

That's when the man in a white coat and stethoscope walked in.

- Anonymous.

Calculus Made Easy (2nd Edition prologue)

Considering how many fools can calculate, it is surprising that it

should be thought either a difficult or a tedious task for any other fool

to learn how to master the same tricks.

Some calculus-tricks are quite easy. Some are enormously difficult.

The fools who write the textbooks of advanced mathematics--and they

are mostly clever fools--seldom take the trouble to show you how easy

the easy calculations are. On the contrary, they seem to desire to

impress you with their tremendous cleverness by going about it in the

most difficult way.

Being myself a remarkably stupid fellow, I have had to unteach

myself the difficulties, and now beg to present to my fellow fools the

parts that are not hard. Master these thoroughly, and the rest will

follow. What one fool can do, another can.